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The Heart of Tammy
To My Friends and Family -
I know many of you are wondering how I'm doing and how to pray for me, so I thought I would take just a moment this morning to put my heart down on paper.
First of all, Thank you soo much for all your love and prayers, cards, letters, emails, flowers, food, books and financial gifts in Trent's honor. I can't begin to express to you just how deeply this has affected my life!
There are days when I can't even breath...when the tears never stop, and I feel my life slipping away. It's during that time when I take every ounce of faith that I have and lift up my eyes towards Heaven to allow the Lord to pick me up out of this dark pit in my life.
I returned to our home here in Nashville, TN this week for the first time since I lost Trent in Jamaica. It has been the most painful thing yet for me to face. So much love surrounded this home. So much love speaks through these walls. Every room is filled with pictures of Trent and I, and all the beautiful cards he would give to me. We never had to have a real reason to give the other a special card or note...we just always wanted eachother to know the depth of our love and commitment to one another. Last night I had come across a note that Trent had left on my rental car 3 years ago one night. I had a show in Lakeland, FL and Trent had to leave before the show was over to catch a flight out and meet up with some friends for a scuba diving trip. So I finished the show, packed up and headed out to my rental car. When I got in to drive away, I noticed this note on my windsheild.
"Tammy, I can't live without you! 1 week is too long. My thougths will be on you always and my heart will be always with you. All I pray is for God to keep you safe until the day of my return and that I may dream of you EVERY night. My heart is yours! Love, Trent"
Trent's words to this day speak life into my spirit. And give me a reason to get out of bed each day.
Please continue to pray for me. I flight feelings of fear, confusion, disbelief, weariness, restless nights, anger, loneliness for Trent's voice, not wanting to live...so many questions...just wondering how this could be...what all of this means for my life...i truly don't understand...why do miracles happen for one and not another...why Trent...why me?
I have cancelled my books for the next 8 months or so. I plan to live in our home here in Nashville (Brentwood) TN while attending the church that Trent and I loved so much, Bethel World Outreach. I'm sure I will find a great deal of healing there as I now take time in my life to be ministered to.
Trent always encouraged me to chase after the things of God...so Trent, Baby, somehow I will find the strength to run again and I will keep my eyes on Jesus - just waiting and watching for that day when we will be together again. Thank you for changing my life Trent. I will never be the same because of your love for me. I now know the true love of Christ because of the way you loved me, the way you forgave me, the way you cherished me, the way you protected me, the way you supported me and the way you would stop everything just to look at me and smile! I will love you forever and ever!