A new season has come and I continue to grow with each changing color and with each passing month.

My time in Michigan last month at Trent’s resting place was beautiful. I spent about 3 hours there. Laying on my blanket, listening to our favorite music and reading my Bible. I laid on my back, staring up at the sky through the trees and listened to the wind blow. It was a beautiful peaceful day as I watched two white butterflies chasing one another all afternoon above me. There was healing in that moment. There was healing at that time.

I think this update is more for me than anybody right now. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and written out my heart and my thoughts. Some times it’s just too painful to think about, so I tuck it away so I can just get through the days. But other times I know I have to face it, however painful it still feels. I know it helps me to write. I think tonight I find myself having a really hard time “keeping it together” knowing this month and the next couple of weeks specifically are probably going to be the hardest for me to face.

I know it’s been some time since I’ve let you in on things that surround my life. So I thought I would try to put into words this afternoon how I seem to be doing.

Everyday is a battle within my heart to find my place without Trent. To sort of rebuild my life and wonder what he might say about every corner that I turn now. I completely trusted Trent’s protection and covering, so I never walked in fear. Now I fight fear of simply just being the head of our home now. I don’t always know what’s the best decision to make and I find myself just wanting to talk to him about all of it.

I’ve been trying hard to find the strength and the words to write to you all again. I know many of you have been asking

There isn’t a day that goes by when I haven’t received a sweet email, a touching card, a precious gift or a picture of Trent and I that someone took at a concert of us. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t wake up crying out for Trent just to hold me because I had a horrible dream about losing him.

I’m realizing my dreams are real, the pain is real, the questions and tears are never ending, and yet in my second breath of the day I say with the littlest of strength, “Jesus I love you…Trent I love you”. And I know He meets me right where I’m at to carry me through the rest of my day.

I still say with all of my heart, “Thank You!” I could write a book about all the love that I’ve felt from you all.

First of all, Thank you soo much for all your continued love and prayers. I still really really need it. Sunday was Trent’s 33rd Birthday. There are so many “first’s” right now in my life without Trent. Today I walked into my home after running an errand and I just stopped at the door…I couldn’t go any further. I felt the tears running down my face as I was trying to catch my breath. It was one more moment of realizing that Trent himself won’t ever be inside these doors waiting for me to walk in again. I was starting to feel like I was going to fall apart and all of the sudden I spoke out loud to myself, “Tammy, You’re OK!

I know many of you are wondering how I’m doing and how to pray for me, so I thought I would take just a moment this morning to put my heart down on paper.

First of all, Thank you soo much for all your love and prayers, cards, letters, emails, flowers, food, books and financial gifts in Trent’s honor. I can’t begin to express to you just how deeply this has affected my life!

There are days when I can’t even breath…when the tears never stop, and I feel my life slipping away. It’s during that time when I take every ounce of faith that I have and lift up my eyes towards Heaven to allow the Lord to pick me up out of this dark pit in my life.

On our life’s journey we’ll all face many different situations, experiences and relationships. Sometimes we have gains, and we laugh. Sometimes we have losses, and we cry. Sometimes our hearts are broken, and we isolate. Sometimes our song is played, and we celebrate. Sometimes we really blow it, and we sink. Sometimes we get it right, and we smile.