I'm Trying to Spring Ahead - 04/07/02
I know it's been some time since I've let you in on things that surround my life. So I thought I would try to put into words this afternoon how I seem to be doing.
Everyday is a battle within my heart to find my place without Trent. To sort of rebuild my life and wonder what he might say about every corner that I turn now. I completely trusted Trent's protection and covering, so I never walked in fear. Now I fight fear of simply just being the head of our home now. I don't always know what's the best decision to make and I find myself just wanting to talk to him about all of it.
I wake up every day telling Jesus that I love Him and that I trust Him. I'm choosing life in doing that and confessing with my mouth each day that I trust and love the Lord. The more I confess it, the more I will believe it. That can be difficult some days because I still can't see how any of this can be good for my life. I just don't understand a thing. I cry to understand, but I will continue to confess with my mouth that I am not alone. Jesus loves me and He loves Trent so much. I try to stop looking for all the answers and try to start looking for who God really is. With our human minds that takes alot of discipline, because we are people who feel complete when we have the answers to life's questions. I guess that's what faith is. Not always having the answer, but knowing who the answer is. And having the faith to know He's still there even when I can't see Him.
In so many ways, Trent prepared my life for such a time as this...and if I were to walk away from all that I know to be truth, then Trent's life would be in vain. I must fight with all that's within me knowing that I will see Trent again, and maybe, just maybe one day I'll be able to say as he holds me again in heaven, "It was the hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to walk through, but now that I'm here with you again, It was worth it all!" Well, most days I can't image ever saying those words. I have a feeling I will be totally speechless when I see Jesus and Trent waiting for me in heaven. That's when I believe Jesus will wipe away every tear from eyes, because I know at that moment I will cry like a baby seeing them both standing there waiting to hold me.
A couple weeks ago I was asked to be in the music video, "I can only imagine" with Mercy Me. A song about how we might react and feel when we see Jesus for the first time in heaven...I often think about what it was like for Trent...I can only imagine! (smile) I wish I were there, too!
Thank you soo much for all your love and prayers, special cards and sweet gifts. They all mean so much to me and to Trent I know. Time is so short, so the choices we make today will surely effect our lives always. Love is a gift from God. Never take is lightly. Live for today. Speak words of life! Make a memory. Hold onto faith. Be there for a friend. Listen with your heart. Love with your actions! Change the world you live in. Love the Lord with all your heart! He is my hope...He is our hope!
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