I'm Holding On - 01/20/02
I've been trying hard to find the strength and the words to write to you all again. I know many of you have been asking and wondering how I'm doing, so I'll do my best to let you inside my heart as I find it in many pieces these days.
I spent the holidays in Michigan with my family, which was really good for me. Being without Trent was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my whole life. I found myself waiting and watching for the first sight of snow. I remember how I felt when Trent and I were together about 13 years ago. He had taken me to a play downtown Grand Rapids, and afterwards we were walking out into the parking lot when it began to snow on us. It was so beautiful, we had to just stop and watch these big snow flakes fall on our faces as we held eachother...of course Trent had to kiss each snow flake off my face!(smile) But I didn't mind! All we ever wanted was to spend our lives together...forever!
This was my first Christmas and New Years without Trent since we were 15 years old. The only thing on my Christmas wish list this year was to be with Trent again, and I couldn't make that happen.
I've heard it said that it get's easier with time, but I've yet to experience that. I know only time can heal and I find myself many nights just crying while staring at the clock. I'm trying my hardest to call on Jesus each day, and honestly there are days when I don't know what to say to Him. I'm trying my hardest to understand, and honestly there are days when I realize that I will never understand. It's at that moment when I fall on the floor and cry out to God to please help me! Help me pull it together!
It's one moment at a time. So I will hold on another day. Just like the angel in Starbucks Friday night said to me. Well, It was packed, but my sister Gina (who was visiting me) and I decided to get a coffee anyway. We somehow managed to find some comfy chairs to sit in, when out of nowhere walked up to me this beautiful older women asking if I was Tammy Trent. I said, "Yes" and she just stared at me for the longest time with big tears in her eyes. We stared at each other for the longest time without saying a word. Tears began to fill my eyes, too. And then she hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Hold on Tammy. Hold on! You are an overcomer...you will overcome this! Hold on! I love you!" She let go and we just stared at each other again for another few minutes and then she left, just like that.
My sister and I just sat there and cried. Then we laughed and said at the same time while shaking our heads yes, "An Angel, definitely!"
So, to answer your questions, I'm holding on with each passing day. I still need so much prayer and your love, so thank you from a broken heart that's trying to mend. And whoever keeps praying for those angels...Thanks!(smile)
I asked the Lord yesterday if Trent knew how much I loved him and then I found this note that I had given him. "Trent - After all this time together you still know how to surprise me - you can still make me laugh. And whenever you do, I realize again that you've become more and more of what my life is all about. It's not that I'm less myself - you've never tried to change me. In fact, I'm MORE myself - because you and your love bring out the best FOR me. That's what real love means. Your voice on the phone makes me feel embraced. Your hand reaching for mine makes me feel positively cherished. Many time, when I merely glance your way, I feel the thrill of falling in love with you all over again. I love you baby and the special love we share...forever!
Love, Tammy Girl!"
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