Getting Through Year 2 - 09/27/03
What a beautiful Fall day it is here in Nashville. The sky is blue and it's about 72 degrees outside. I'm sitting by the pool taking it all in. Of course, I have jeans and a sweater on, but at least my bare feet are getting a tan.
I take a deep breath as I listen to the gentle sounds of water rippling in the pool while the wind blows the trees in the woods behind me. I hear the birds playing and the leaves falling. It's soo peaceful here. My heart is peaceful even through the tears that still fall.
This is one of the hardest seasons for me. It will always remind me of leaving home with Trent to go to Jamaica in the Summer time and then coming back home without him mid October when Fall had arrived. So much had happened in my life during the seasons of change. The very smell of Fall reminds me of the very first time walking back into our home alone. How scared I was. How alone I felt. How confused I was. How my heart was completely shattered and broken.
Even though it's still sooo hard for me, I'm reminded today of God's love for me. His healing touch. The way He provides. How understanding He is. How He's honestly taken care of me. Now, that doesn't mean I'm all healed and on the other side. Quite the contrary. I think I'll be healing the rest of my life and most days I still feel like I'm only half way there. But I'm moving forward and trusting in the Lord, even though I don't always understand. He's right there with me.
I had a vision not that long ago, when I was driving home from a friends house and I couldn't stop crying. I looked over at the passengers side and could almost see Jesus. He reached out for my hand, said nothing, and with the sweetest loving look on His face, He just cried with me. I remember that vision whenever I can't stop crying. What comfort to know He hurts when we hurt.
Being back on the road has given soo much to me. People say how I've inspired them, but honestly I'm inspired by their love and prayers and support for me. Mostly cause I'm a girl they don't even know. Love is an amazing gift. Thank you for giving it to me in the purest way.
Michigan was beautiful. I flew home to Grand Rapids on the 10th of September and then back to Nashville on the 11th. I had lunch with my Mom, Judy Buffum-Hemmila, who's also one of my Pastor's, and then I headed out to the Lenderink home where Trent is buried. I spent some time with Mom Lenderink and then I headed down the 1/2 mile trail to where Trent is. This walk will always be filled with some of the most painful steps I will ever have to take. The deepest sorrow and grief came over me at that time, as I couldn't take another step. This is where your prayers reached me cause somehow I took another step and another, until I realized that I'd made it through the woods to the top of that hill where Trent was. It was a beautiful afternoon as I watched just one butterfly this year playing around me. I sat in the chair, put my head phones on listening to "Father God" repeatedly and held my Bible in my arms. With tears falling from my eyes I felt the peace of God and slowly fell asleep right there. I could have stayed there all day. Isn't it funny, I don't like going there, but when I'm there I have a hard time leaving. After about three hours, I sat up, placed my "Breathing" CD in the ground next to Trent (as if to leave one for him) and kissed the 8 foot steel Cross that stands before him.
The walk back to my car was easier this time and I even spotted a yellow snake under a fallen tree. Funny thing is, Trent loved snakes. He even had a 15 foot Python that he would take to children's schools for show and tell. And his favorite color was yellow, being that he was color blind, that was the one color he could see clearly. I got a smile on my face at that moment. I hate snakes and this one was staring at me. To me it was another reminder from God that I am not alone. He's always thinking about me.
If you don't look, you'll miss God. But if you seek, you will find that all your treasures are being stored up in Heaven. Here, we're all just passing through. I got to experience one of my Heavenly treasures early. His name is Trent Lenderink.
Please pray for me as I have a pretty full schedule this year and next year already. I'm heading to London and South Africa with Luci Swindoll through the Women of Faith in December. Also, the book deal has come up again and we're working through that now. And recording a new full Cd had been put on hold for now. I will not be recording with Maranatha Music.
God bless you and stay faithful to your call.
P.S. To all my friends that are wondering but don't dare to ask (well some are asking)...NO! I'm not dating nor am I interested. So don't tell your cousin Darrell about me or his brother Darrell, or his other brother Darrell. (laughing) I'm right where God wants me to be and I'm finding Joy in it. So don't pray for that! I am complete in Christ!
Love & Laughter,
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